here's comes the pregnant doula

I know too much, I know too little. Try not to over think or over plan because I know where that gets me. Trust the process, but try to do that while simultaneously blocking out births that have imprinted traumatically on my soul. Here I am, having a home birth, knowing it is the right choice for me...but all I ever see are hospital births because that's where we doulas are needed desperately. I have no point of reference, other than YouTube videos and my own instincts.

I am afraid and I am confident. Not too confident and not too afraid. I worry about what I eat, when I must remind myself that my nutrition is light years away from what it used to be. All the things I recommend to my clients and promised myself I would do during pregnancy, I cannot afford. Massages, frequent chiropractic appointments, acupuncture, alternative childbirth education, eating only organic food (I've held on to the prenatal yoga, because I have to have something)...because paying for the birth I want is far more important than all those things (though those exact things can help me in my process).

I have not written in a long time and debated about making my experience too public. But something tells me I must share this. What it's like to be in the business of birth and getting ready to birth my own child. I think back to when I was pregnant with my daughter. I educated myself because I have a general distrust of medicine (from too many visits to too many doctors and ER's over the years while getting no answers, but huge bills). And because from the very beginning I knew I wanted a natural birth, preferably a home birth. I'd never been in a hospital longer than a few hours and it didn't make sense to me to be in one for something as natural as birth. But, alas, I did not really know how to go about doing a home birth, so I opted for a natural birth in the hospital (we had no birth centers in Kansas City at the time).

I know, I know...for the first time in my life, I opted for no drugs. But that's how I felt...pain meds were for recreation (my twenties were VERY hazy) or recovering from surgery/etc. Maybe it's because I discovered I was allergic to codeine after having my wisdom teeth cut out of my gums (dry heaving with stitches = not wanting to try a different pain med for fear of worse, so I went without). Or maybe it's because I could handle multiple hours of tattoos in extremely sensitive places (utilizing some great pain-coping when I wasn't internally screaming). Or maybe it was because I knew my great-grandmother had 15 children at home. My mother didn't understand all the research I was doing. She said, "when I had you, I went in and had a baby, that's that." I remember being totally irritated by this, but she really gave me a gift. No horror stories, no exaggerating, just plain havin' a baby.

Giving birth is a delicate balance of "hey, it's an every day thang" and "oh my god, I just had a freakin' baby!" I went into the hospital, labored for about 9 hours (after the 24 at home, that were not bad...no excruciating pain at all during that time) and gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. She totally rocked my world.

But I thought I would die when I hit transition, it felt like my back was breaking in two, I begged to push and then was told not to because the doctor wasn't there yet (and I wasn't quite 10cm...give me a freakin' break), I was aggressively coached (like I had an epidural), told to stop when she starting shooting out really fast (making me think there was something wrong), had her placed on my chest and then whisked away because we just have to get all this other crap done (that isn't necessary), felt about as far away from my crying daughter as possible (your baby's cries feel like an electrical shock through your whole system), and after the high had started to wear off (best high ever!), given the "opportunity" to breastfeed. I was tired, elated, scared, relieved, confused. I was in excruciating pain from a retained placenta (and the subsequent retrieval...3 times...thank god my doc's hands were small) and constant uterine "massage" (that word is not what I would describe it and is definitely false advertising). In the subsequent days, my breasts were manhandled, we had too many people come to visit us, I got no sleep, I was coerced into giving my daughter formula because I was "starving" her, and then sent home to care for her (you put me in charge of another human being? are you crazy?).

I do not say these things from a very emotional place. This baggage has been worked through extensively in therapy, doula trainings, journaling, yoga, making music and being witness to so many births. My mamas have healed me in ways they can never know. They have taught me that there is no right way to birth. That birth is a mystery and I am lucky to be a part of it. But you can see that most of my complaints about my first birth, really have more to do with 2nd stage, 3rd stage and the immediate postpartum period. Things that I did not educate myself about because I couldn't see past labor.

This time I want:
-quiet from the people around me (except for gentle encouragement if they think I need it)
-to find my own way
-no vaginal exams, unless absolutely necessary
-to catch my own baby if I feel like it
-to keep hold of my baby at all times
-to breastfeed right away
-to share the experience with my daughter if she so chooses
-to keep my placenta (it's mine dammit!)
-to not have a lot of people in my home (except my husband, daughter, midwife and doula) during labor and birth
-to not have a lot of visitors the first three days so that I can rest and get breastfeeding well-established

I know I have to give birth alone, no one can do it for me. I am in love with the support I have and know they will give what they can when it is needed or wanted. Yes, I am scared. Because I know what birth is. Because it is hard, so very hard. Because I know the transformation it can bring and I am curious as to what that will be this time.

This time, I am not afraid of becoming a mother. This time, I am preparing for the birth experience I truly want with the knowledge and statistics to back me up. This time, I know where to find my instincts and actually listen to them. This time, I know it is about me and my baby, no one else.

So, if you are a friend or family member that wants to question my choices or tell me horror stories, please remember what I do for a living. I can one-up any horror story you have (you cannot contain the tears that I have shed over the years for my clients and doula sisters) and I am more of an expert in birth and postpartum than you are. When you question or doubt me, you are putting your nose into something very personal and disrespecting the knowledge I have. Please keep your fears and hesitation to yourself. If you want to learn more, I am happy to supply you with research, books, and movies that can help you be more educated in the decision that our family has made. And when you say things like, "I support your choices, but I still think you are crazy," that's not really supporting me. Or saying things like, "oh, I think you'll end up in the hospital." Really?!? So you wish for something to go wrong with me or the baby that we would need to be there? Nice support there. These are examples of things I have already heard (and we haven't even hit the family get-togethers for the holidays yet). If you start yapping, I will hand you a copy of "The Business of Being Born", give you reading assignments and ask you how many births you have attended. By the end of 2011, I will have helped 50 babies be born (that does not include my own). Look, it's not a contest, but seriously...I would never put myself or my baby at any risk. I know too much.